A meeting with Death
by Misura
Summary: Even vampires can't be lucky all the time, as Alucard finds out. Or can they?
1. First part

A meeting with Death

Warnings/notes : oocness, slightly weird/silly (aka my attempt at humor ^^;), bits of language

Disclaimer : I don't own Hellsing. This version of Death is based on Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels, which are many times more funny, wonderful and imaginative than any fic of mine will ever be. I also don't own 'Buffy the vampireslayer' to which one reference is made.

written at 16th august 2003, by Misura

Key : in the novels Death speaks in HOLLOW CAPITALS, here he does it in _italics_

**********

He was kind of used to it by now, after all the times it had happened to him.

Some foolish human had tried to kill him.

Again.

His body had given away under the assault, causing his attacker to think he had gotten rid of the dreaded vampire.

Again.

Glaring at the moron who still wore a victorious grin on his face for breaking yet another pair of his sunglasses (those things were *expensive*, for crying out loud! And Sir Integral had refused to pay for them, telling him he'd simply have to be 'more careful'), Alucard got up.

Nothing happened.

Or rather, nothing that he had *expected* to happen, happened.

His unworthy opponent was still smiling, staring at something over Alucard's shoulder.

Something that was lying on the ground.

Something that bore a remarkable resemblance to his own battered body, the way it had looked before he revived it.

Only it wasn't.

Alucard was beginning to feel uneasy. Something was wrong ; he *felt* different.

Still, maybe he could try again.

He seemed to be invisible to the mortal who had 'killed' him and was now launching into a victory-speech, even if there wasn't anyone else around to hear it.

*half an hour later*

Something was *very* wrong.

He had been trying to get back to his body for a good thirty minutes now (which may not be much for someone practically immortal under normal circumstances but was under the present ones).

The human was still going on and on about what a hero he was, his words an annoying buzz in the background of Alucard's mind.

Someone coughed.

Thinking it was the human, whose name was, according to himself, Billy the Vampireslayer, formerly known as Arthur Reginald, Alucard paid not attention to it.

Someone cleared his throat.

Alucard ignored it.

Loudly.

Alucard looked down on his body, wondering what else he could try.

_"Excuse me?"_

Alucard spun around, grabbing for a gun no longer there. 

Two blue pinpoints of light stared back at him from under the hood of a long, black cloak. A very bony right hand was loosely holding a scythe.

_"You are the person commonly known as Alucard?"_

"Not exactly commonly ... but yes, some people know me by that name."

_"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you."_

~tbc?~

A/N : Yes, I know it's rather short. Only ... well, I'd like to know if people actually like this. Before I write more for it, I mean.


	2. Second part

A meeting with Death

Warnings/notes : oocness, slightly weird/silly (aka my attempt at humor ^^;), bits of language

Disclaimer : I don't own Hellsing. This version of Death is based on Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels, which are many times more funny, wonderful and imaginative than any fic of mine will ever be. I also don't own 'Sailor Moon' to which one reference is made.

written at 19th august 2003, by Misura

Thanks to the kind people who reviewed the first chapter ; without you this second might never have been written, so I hope you'll enjoy it as well.

Key : in the novels Death speaks in HOLLOW CAPITALS, here he does it in _italics_

**********

"That's impossible!" Alucard crushed the small voice in the back of his head that said apparently it was, considering his present situation. "How could that have happened?"

The hooded figure shrugged. _"Due to certain actions by the individual over there."_

"He has only been talking for the last half hour now. Last thing I heard, you could get talked to death only figuratively. Not literally."

Another shrug, slightly apologetic, though it was hard to tell, without a face to read. _"I got delayed a little. Had a chessgame in the Vatican to finish that took a bit longer than expected. He won. Again."_

Alucard's eyes quickly wandered around the room. "Maybe we could ... "

_"No. You have to make an appointment for that. I'm too busy."_

Ah well, it had been worth a try. "Have you taken a good look at him?" He gestured to the still speeching youth.

Blue pinpoints focused on 'Billy' who blabbed on, completely oblivious to who was there with him. Alucard envied him for that. _"A ... boy?" _Death tried.

"A kid!" Alucard corrected him. "With pimples! And thick, ugly glasses! Wearing a pink shirt with Sailor Moon on it!"

Death seemed to consider this for a moment. _"Your point being?"_

"How can he have killed *me*?" Alucard exclaimed annoyedly. "He's a total loser!"

The silence stretched longer this time. Then Death snapped his fingers, in a gesture of satisfaction. _"Shit happens."_ he stated solemnly.

"Excuse me?" Alucard blinked.

_"Shit happens. That means ... uhm ... let me think for a moment ... means that things happen."_

"But I'm not ready yet. I still have too many things to do." It sounded weak, even to his own ears.

_"That's what they *all* say."_ Death's shoulders sagged a little. _"No one's ever happy to see me."_

"Why am I not surprised to hear that?" Alucard mumbled.

_"No one ever thinks about the way *I* feel."_ Death continued.

"Comes with the job I guess." Alucard replied, slightly sarcastically.

_"And don't even get me started on the working hours!"_

"Definitely wouldn't want to do that."

_"Flexible, that's what they said in the contract. *Flexible*. Why - "_

*one hour later*

"Can I ask something?" Alucard interrupted the seemingly endless list of complaints and grievances that seemed to sum up the job of Death.

_"I'm not boring you, am I?"_

He thought it safest not to answer to that. "Could you well, tell me how to get back to my body? I'd be much more comfortable in there."

_"Ah, of course. You - " _Blue pinpoints became even smaller pinpoints. _"You are trying to trick me."_

"No, I'm just - "

_"Silence! I will not tolerate this."_

~tbc?~


	3. Last part

A meeting with Death

Warnings/notes : oocness, slightly weird/silly (aka my attempt at humor ^^;), bits of language

Disclaimer : I don't own Hellsing. This version of Death is based on Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels, which are many times more funny, wonderful and imaginative than any fic of mine will ever be.

written at 24th august 2003, by Misura

Key : in the novels Death speaks in HOLLOW CAPITALS, here he does it in _italics_

**********

__

"I do not like people mocking me." Death informed him.

"Neither do I." Alucard replied.

__

"You do not understand me."

"Why would I bother trying to?" Alucard would really prefer to get this over with, rather than being sujected to another list of things that were bad about the other's job.

Death considered this question for a while. _"Because you owe me something?"_

"I don't owe you anything." Alucard retorted.

__

"Not yet." Death sounded pensive. _"But if I were to grant your earlier request, you would."_

"You will give me back my existence - " he couldn't very well call it life " - in exchange for ... ?"

__

"A listening ear. You seem to have spent more time in this place than most others I have encountered so far. It would be ... agreeable to be able to talk to someone like that at times, someone who holds a greater vision than a single century."

"I do have a job you know."

Death inclined his head. _"I am aware of that. Yet surely there are also hours you are free of any other obligations to other mortals?"_

Alucard had to admit there were ; only yesterday he had remarked to Seras how much of his life consisted of being bored.

__

"Do you agree to my proposal? I have an urgent matter to attend to in a few more minutes, and I hate to be late for appointments."

"I accept your proposal." What did he have to lose? Except, perhaps, his sanity. 

__

"Excellent." Death snapped his bony fingers and Alucard felt himself being drawn back to his body. _"Until we meet again then."_

*****

" ... and that's why all girls will want to date me now!" 'Billy' the self-proclaimed vampire-slayer ended his triumphant speech. "But I'll only go out with the pretty ones." he added as an afterthought. 

"That sounds reasonable, if a little idealistic." Alucard remarked pleasantly.

'Billy' shrieked.

"You broke my sunglasses." Alucard picked them up, eyeing them sadly.

"S-sorry. I mean, no, wait, you're *dead*!"

"And so I have been for the past few centuries. That doesn't mean you have any right to be rude towards me." Alucard stated coolly.

"I ... you ... "

Alucard sighed. "Not very heroic, fainting on one's supposed defeated enemy. Ah well, he wasn't much of a hero anyway."

*****

"You are late."

"There were some complications I didn't expect."

Integral's eyes narrowed, though she didn't voice the question in them.

Which gave him a perfect excuse not to answer it. She wouldn't believe him anyway.

"Master! You are all right! I was worried." Seras looked happier than he had seen her in quite some time.

"You had no reason to. It was, after all, a beautiful night."

"But I felt - "

"As you can see, I have come to no harm." he interrupted her. "There is no reason to discuss it further."

She nodded obediently and followed him back to Hellsing, while Alucard firmly crushed his impulse to sigh with relief at being back here.

~OWARI~


End file.
